I am still in the hospital after very intense surgery where skin graft was made from my thigh to put together the hole in my chest. I am working with a technology called a medevac which is like a vacuum that helps the graft take and has also been pulling fluids from the training tumor site and was just granted a portable one to take home which means I will be able to leave the hospital soon.
Before I do that I must learn about the machine as well as get off of IV drug management which we are now working on and just recovering from a very very intense night where it’s hard to imagine feeling normal and within 12 hours many functions started – For which I am grateful.
My respect and understanding of good nursing is exponential as a result of this experience thank you man and women who have served me so dutifully.
I don’t know how to repay you but it really makes a huge difference when someone understands what you were going through and how to help you.
That being said I will have lots to process around allopathic medicine and alternative medicine from great resources.
At this time there is a sponge over where my right breast was with the tube that drains liquid and my right upper thigh is very bloody from a graft they made (which is just incredible to recycle the body to cover an area) which they did last night in surgery. I am in amazing pain but the drugs are finally starting to target laughter.
I have also begun eating meat and really abandoning everything that I have done or held onto in my life as Principles.
I see myself coming back to a place of balance and incorporating all the information I have but opening my mind leaving behind a lot of the dogma and most importantly enjoying my life in a way that I have never permitted myself. Right now I can’t see what that looks like except not doing things I don’t want to do anymore out of obligation or guilt and waking up feeling great and saying that and moving through each moment as a huge gift from God as an opportunity to truly be here only fully in my body to serve others to experience life deeply passionately and with fun!
I have processed a lot emotionally over the past several months and have let go of so much of the pain and suffering I have put on my shoulders for my own life and from those of my ancestors.
Though I believe my parents will feel that the path I took was a waste of time I believe it was a means to an end and is part of a road to a healthy life now and in the future one can’t really predict how things would be different — but now that I see a light and have two more months of my Saturn of intensity.
I know it is not over but I have a live through a real period of transition suffering and growth that I will never be the same from.
This has allowed my parents to reparent me- offering me the opportunity to feel they have completely sacrificed as perhaps I didn’t feel when I was young.
I have nothing to regret from my early life and can just have massive gratitude for all that is right in front of me.
March 30th, 2017